When ultrasounds go devastatingly wrong

You can get on pinterest and find a "How to" or "5 step program" or advice on just about any circumstance in life except when the circumstance is this devastating..... Lorenzo and I just stood there wondering "what are we even supposed to do right now?" It was like we were ants following our sent and then a leaf from heaven came and landed right in our way and just like that, POOF, we were lost... in the movie A Bugs Life there was someone to come and direct them, quite comically around the leaf. And here we were sobbing in each others arms outside of the Women's Clinic at IMC and there was no one to show us what had happened to our path, no one to direct our feet to the next step and make it feel like our lives had purpose again.

Monday morning I woke up and something told me my life would be changing forever that day. I even snapped a photo of Evelett and I and captioned it "the day that would change our lives."

 See we were going to our baby's big ultrasound! For some reason I was so nervous! I was sweating like crazy and my heart was racing... I figured it was because, even though id been through this 3 times before, this was my last baby! what was it gonna be??? Was Evelett going to be our only little princess or would she be getting a baby sister! So much excitement. As in the past, we let our older children come with us, we really like to make this a family event because this is so exciting for everyone. plus I feel like it helps for these young kids to SEE how we get the pic of baby... I just think it helps them understand that there really is a baby inside mommys belly and not just the extra ice cream Ive been sneaking lately!

So we get to the ultrasound and the tech start doing what the tech does and im trying to explain to the kids what she is doing but she starts moving faster and im making jokes that it doesn't look much like a baby to me so im glad she knows what shes doing to which she nervously snickers. And then everything changes. She stops and tells us " you know I hate to be the one to tell you this but there seems to be some abnormalities with baby and I'm not sure what all I'm seeing, this is like my worst nightmare to have to tell you this but we have to send you to the specialist at a bigger hospital to be sure" she then nervously stood up and said that she needed to go get ahold of my dr.... everything from there was a fast blur but basically she was nervous couldn't look at me and was rushing... my dr was in surgery so she sent me home saying that he would call me and they would set up an apt with the specialist asap. and that was it...she felt so bad at this point that she awkwardly gave me a hung and just whispered "i am so sorry sweetie"... they sent me and my very confused and disappointed brood out the door. And that when it hit me that our society has become so confused about the real reason for that 20 week ultrasound.... yeah its fun to find out the gender but the health of the baby is the real reason... with all these gender reveal parties no one remembers that.

I then got to sit around and stew over the phone for 5 hrs waiting for the dr to call. When he finally did he was really honest with me. He told me things look serious and that he wanted me to get in as soon as possible. He also told me what was going on, what they thought it was, and what the names were... our apt was set for 22 hrs later! it was the longest night of Lorenzo and my life! We were so scared. We did some research on what the dr said it might be and things look really discouraging.

After the longest wait time of my life we finally went back to our ultrasound with the specialized tech. and after he did his scan and then the high risk dr came in and talked to us this is what we Found out..

** Our baby has a condition called Hydrops and Cystic Hygroma. Hydrops is a build up of fluid in more then one area of the body. Our baby has a large amount of fluid built up in its abdomen, around its heart, and in its chest cavity. Cystic Hygroma is also a build up of fluid that is built up in the neck, our baby's neck sac is larger then the baby's head and appears to be almost as large as the baby's body.

Gah!! so what does that mean right. What causes that? what do we do now?

well basically that mean bad!

There was about 5 different things that could have caused it but most likely it is a gynetic syndrom much like down syndrome. However where down syndrome is a cromasomal abnormality in a smaller cromasome the problems that would effect this would be a larger cromazome and therefor cause more problems. they could run a bunch of test that would tell us what cause it however non of those test would help this baby it would only allow us to know if this would effect any future pregnancies.

So what now?

* there is no cure......... what? no cure......
* there is no treatment......
* there is no survival rate..... WHAT????
The extra fluid will put too much strain on the heart and it will eventually stop beating.
Survival outside of the womb is nonexistent
Basically your baby will die and you will not be bringing this baby home from the hospital...Ever!

so what do we do now...
option 1 wait till baby's heart gives out and my body will start labor on its own
option 2 wait till baby's heart gives out and if my body hasn't started labor they will start labor
option 3 terminate pregnancy
option 4 start preterm labor so that we can have the opportunity to hold the baby while it is still alive and snuggle it before it dies
option 5 this plays out like a normal pregnancy and I will go till term and then after the baby is born we will enjoy every precious moment we are granted.
..............................................................................................................................................................................................................

Dear lord in heaven... how is this your plan for us... how is this real life... how dear father am I supposed to keep on living every day as if nothing has changed... how am I supposed to wake up every single moment and go to bed every single night wondering if my baby is still alive and wondering how much longer it will be in there and wondering if I will ever hear its first cry or if it will be snuffed out before that blessed moment happens... how am I supposed to respond to the sweet old ladies in the grocery store that ask me how far along and what I'm having and how excited I must be... father, how am I supposed to tell my children that baby will not be coming home with us... father give me strength.

I was filled with such peace, such understanding as we talked about everything that was going on and everything that would be expected. I felt the hands of the lord with me, holding me, easing my pain and sorrow. However I must be honest I broke... I broke when we started talking about delivery the baby.... alive or dead this baby will be coming out of my body... I will be delivering this child one way or another. I will still go through the pains and trauma of bringing a life into the world weather or not that life will last a moment or an hour or a day. I will be giving birth to this baby and then I will be going home broken body and broken hearted. I will still have my sleepless night but to nurse my wounds and not nurse my baby. I will hear crying day and night but the sounds will be coming from me not from my newborn. that is when I broke.

" There are no true endings.... Only everlasting beginnings"- Dieter F Uchtdorf

This is Just   So      Sad   
its so sad and so hard. waiting for the train to come slam into you. you cant move, cant turn around and run away, just wait for the inevitable to plow over you. It is so sad!

But I have found joy still. I have reasons still to see the sunshine. The sound of my children laughing and the touch of my husbands strong embrace. There is still life, and love, and hope. We know that we will see this baby again one day and we know we will have the opportunity to raise this baby weather here on earth or in the hereafter. This baby was ours from the moment it was created.... this sweet little spirit is so special! I know it, I can feel it already. I will be the best mother I can be while it is still with me and every day after I will be even better so that I may have the chance to be reunited and raise this sweet baby of mine....
We never did find out the gender... poor baby is so swollen and there is hardly and fluid around it that there was no way to even see. but that's ok... anymore it doesn't really matter anyways.

Though the doc didn't give us any reason to hope there is always room for hope... there have been a few miracle babies that I have read about online... sometimes the problems look much bigger on screen then they really are... sometimes the swelling and fluid just goes down and sort of resolves itself... a lot of babies survive with one or the other condition its just hard to find any good news when they are both together... But we still have hope! We have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and know that he has a plan for us and for this little baby.! I always used to say I knew nothing like this would ever happen to me because I am not strong enough to handle it and the lord doesn't give you anything you cant handle. im leaning very quickly just how wrong I am in that.... the lord does give you more then you can handle..... much much more then you are ever capable of handling on your own. only when you lean on him will you be saved from complete destruction. only through his grace are you ever made capable of bearing the cross you have in this life...

im sure many of you will want to tell me how sorry you are... but don't..... don't be sorry..... I AM NOT sorry... I would do this a thousand times over again because I know how important this child is. this was our mission in life to be this childs parents and to give it a body... maybe not a working one but it will be perfected one day. You can say that its sad because it is... its really sad... ps ill know who actually read this whole long post because of who says "im so sorry" vs who says "i am so sad with you"  lol so be warned

your prays will be greatly appreciated and we are trying to stay as positive as possible around our children so please be careful what you say around them... they are so very receptive...

loving you all and looking to lean on you when my heart does break in the future to come.

Not all pregnancies are created equally

#idontcareiftheworldknowswhatmysecretsare

Left- 17weeks pregnancy #3 

Right- 17weeks pregnancy #4 

Well it is true... not all pregnancies are created equally, and the fact of this is very hard to swallow. See pregnancies #1-3 were basically the same... Deathly ill for at least 5 months resulting in me losing between 12-15 lbs! I started calling it my pregnancy diet and though it was miserable beyond belief I ended up with a skinny little body after I popped that baby out. well pregnancy # 4 comes along and is nothing like the others. I was extremely sick like the first three but not for as long. I didn't loose as much weight and now I am still sick but only feel better when Im eating.... result.... Im eating all the time and its starting to show! I mean look at my tiny legs in that first picture. All of me was so much smaller then! Now my 4th time around I think I know what its gonna be like.. old hat and all. NOPE! I am already at the weight I was when I delivered every one of my other children. I feel huge and uncomfortable, my feet and fingers are starting to swell, Im still nauseous all the time and throw up most mornings (I mean come on if its gonna be so different and im going to have to gain all this weight then I should at least be exempt from the nausea right!?!) this is probably going to be the longest most uncomfortable summer of my life.

You know what it really comes down to...... insecurities! I'm not perfect and I will admit (though im not proud of it) that I have seen women that I know who have gained a lot during pregnancy and thought "wow she got big" or "pregnancy was not kind to her" and then saw those women suffer afterward and I felt bad for them not being able to loose the baby weight. I knew it must be a hard situation for them. I at just 2 weeks after giving birth was back in my old clothes and sometimes they were too big. Now in the same situation I realize 1) we, as women, judge other women much too harshly when we should be their supporters 2) we judge ourselves worst of all.

On http://motherhood.mormon.org/ it states
It’s the highest, holiest service assumed by humankind. It’s the definition of selfless service. It’s both a daunting responsibility and a glorious opportunity. The divine role of motherhood is a gift from God, and key to His plan of happiness for all His children.

Such a beautiful statement.

In The Family: A Proclamation to the world we read that "the first commandment that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife. We declare that God’s commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force".

We are women! We have been called, chosen, and foreordained to be the co-creators of human life. After conception we, with the Lord God, create bodies for his spirit children to come to earth, be tested and return to him someday. We are the vessel the lord uses to bring to pass the entire plan of salvation. Without our bodies, our sacrifice his plan could never have come to be. That is the very choice that Eve made in Eden. She knew that this was the way, this was the only way, and through us it is made possible.

Now with that in mind, do I still care how fat I am getting? of course I am human however I am a Warrior! We mothers are ALL Warriors. We put our bodies through hell and sometimes irreversible changes are made. But in the end, we get the most miraculous of gifts and can say we did our job as co-creators in the plan we all chose when we chose to come to earth. 

the truth about HG

#idontcareiftheworldknowswhatmysecretsare  I have HG

Hyperemesis gravidarum (HG) is a complication of pregnancy characterized by intractable nausea, vomiting, and dehydration and is estimated to affect 0.5–2.0% of pregnant women.^[1][2] Malnutrition and other serious complications, such as fluid or electrolyte imbalances, may result.

Well now isn't that vague! Its true however, it is a complication of pregnancy that very few women suffer and so little of the world really understands. My goal is to tell you the truth about HG.... what its really like to suffer/survive this "complication" and just what someone like me goes through on a daily basis while pregnant. I have joined a few HG support groups and through reaching out to many other sufferers I feel I have come up with a general idea across the bored not just my singular experience...

the truth about HG is that you throw up.... a lot. I think most of you have got that from the definition that there is a lot of vomit going on but let me paint you a more clear picture. On a bad day my number of trips to the bathroom (or truth be told just a bowl because I cant make it to the bathroom) is an average of 4-6 times in an hour. A good day could be more like 4-6 times in the whole day which is a really really good day. Now I know what your thinking... if you throw up that many times you will eventually run out of things to vomit up... you couldn't be more wrong! Lets take into account that you can vomit your own saliva, and eventually your own stomach acid (which, as a characteristic of HG, has increased to an extremely high volume) and then after that you are just dry heaving. And dry heaving hurts! A LOT! Now what about the "complications" of vomiting this many times a day can cause. 1) you burst blood vessels in your eyes. Yup you are so violently throwing up that that can often happen and it can be painful and annoying. 2) you are literally destroying your throat and esophagus. You might not think about that damage when you get sick every 4 years with the stomach flu but when you have been throwing up for 4 months straight you really start to notice the strain it puts on your throat. many people with eating disorders can attest that one of the serious side effects is permanently damaging the skin lining your throat. 3) your teeth also take a beating on this one.. I have read many accounts of women who have suffered long-term dental damage because of the continuous erosion due to stomach acid on their teeth, some resulting in damage as severe as rotting or decaying teeth. 4) We know what "starving to death" really feels like... well sort of. Most do not die from this however many have. I get so irritated now when people have missed breakfast or forgotten to eat lunch and say they are starving.... I and many women like me have gone for days and days and days without eating a single thing, or at least we eat but not a single thing stays down. I can tell you that within one day you know what real pain comes from starving. PAIN is something you become very accustom to when suffering from HG which brings me to the next thing I want to talk to you about

the truth about HG is it hurts, Pain associate with HG is all consuming. First there is the stabbing pain in your stomach. It hurts so bad you want to curl up in a ball and die. It feels like there is a knife stabbing you through your stomach and turning... it feels like someone just poured acid in your open wound because lets face it there is acid in your open wound. Your stomach acid is slowly eating away at the lining of your stomach much like an ulcer however its your whole stomach and there is nothing to take to ease the pain because nothing will stay down. Then there is the pain of body aches. your body literally hurts all over. your muscles are depleting from lack of nutrition, your head hurts from the lack of oxygen and increase in pressure that happens when you throw up, your throat hurts from acid burns, your abs and sides hurt from the constant flexing that happens when you heave.... do you get the picture?

The truth about HG is that you are weak. And when I say weak I mean every muscle in your entire body is so weak and tired that it literally can not do what you are telling it to do. When you go so long without the nutrients your body needs it eventually gives out on you.... You cant support your own body weight to do things like stand up, or get dressed, or bath yourself, or brush your own hair. My husband and my mother have picked me up off the floor and practically carried me back to bed probably over 1000 times. There are times I cant even open a bottle by myself because I cant grip it.

The truth about HG is that there is no cure! This is what makes me the most upset! Science has made such miraculous things happen such as cloning, organ transplants, keeping people alive for years on life support.... there is prostetic limbs that function in some cases just as good as the real thing and they are now able to do serious procedures and surgeries by microscopic incisions and cameras! And yet there are hundreds of thousands of women that suffer from something so simple and yet there is no cure! And trust me the medication they are giving us are some heavy hitters! Most of the anti-nausea medication is that that was developed for cancer patients under going chemo. and for most like me that really only takes the edge off. Ps there is nothing more infuriating then to vomit up a pill! its literally just flushing your money down the toilet because in some cases those puppies can cost up to $10 EACH!!!! and we have tried everything in the book! acupuncture, hypnosis, alternative medicine, essential oils, any old wives tale you can think of..... please its insulting to keep suggesting crackers and Gatorade!

Now yes these are the worst of times and I am not always this sick however I want to tell you what you don't know about my good days. I want to tell you what you don't know about the times that you see me. If you see me driving my son to school I have a baggie in the seat next to me and that 9 out of 10 times I make it to school make it home and them promptly vomit my guts out and have to lay down for the next 20 min. When you see me at church, I want you to know that I have been preparing for this since I woke up. I have most likely thrown up in the bathroom every time Ive gone in. and that when I leave early its because I honestly cant be in a vertical position any longer! Sometimes you come have a conversation with me and I seem like I don't feel good but other then that I seem fine.... yeah I'm fine. I threw up a few min ago and so I'm coming down off that high and I feel pretty darn good. however I have an internal clock that for every 5 min I'm standing here talking to you I WILL pay for it later.

The truth about HG is you cry.... A LOT! which sucks because crying causes you to vomit even more. it depletes your energy and it causes you to swallow more saliva and flem which you will throw up in 3 , 2, 1...... you cry because it just isn't fair! your friends, your family, everyone you know... they get preggers and are like oh wow I never threw up once whats your problem. you cry because your kids ask you questions like mommy why don't you ever play anymore or mommy why does it take you so long to make me lunch? you cry because you hurt so bad and are in so much pain that you beg your husband to kill you. you tell him over and over and over "i wanna die, I wanna die, I cant do this please I hurt so bad I want to die" you cry because you are rethinking this notion of having another child and you who is 1000% pro life are considering having an abortion because you are now seeing blood in your vomit from your stomach and throat. you cry and cry and cry! and yet you wake up another day and do it all over again

the truth about HG is that it last a lot longer then morning sickness. I have found that in many if not most cases this pain and agony last for THE ENTIRE PREGNANCY! some of us like me are lucky... we only get it for about 17-25 weeks.... guess what.... im 8 weeks pregnant... that means I may be lucky and only have 10 more weeks of this! 10 WEEKS! ugh please shoot me!

the truth about HG is that yes after the first one we knew exactly what we were getting ourselves into! we do not complain for your condolences, we accept the help you are willing to give if you are willing to give it but we know we chose this and must pay the consequences, we are NOT lazy, or exaggerating, or dramatic, or "just making it up" because if we were we would spend a lot more of our time out of our bedrooms and among other people so we could get more sympathy! We are fighting every single sec of every day for our health and for the baby that we are growing inside of us.

that's my truth about HG.......

I'm hairy and I know it

#idontcareiftheworldknowswhatmysecretsare

Yup those are my hairy legs in a skirt on Sunday. 

Seriously though... I'm a busy lady, I have three kids, crazy stay at home life, lots going on all the time. With that being said .... I still wouldn't be diligent about shaving my legs all the time. "Ain't nobody gots time for that"   And honestly if you are close enough to my legs to tell your either a creep or my husband. And husbands opinion doesn't matter anyways. I know I'm not alone in this one so bring on the hairy legs and goodbye to the shame! 

peearts

#idontcareiftheworldknowswhatmysecretsare

yup people we are getting super duper real with this one... peearts (AKA the pee-farts)... I peeart! and its SSSSOOO embarrassing! I remember when I was little going to the bathroom with a certain old lady who shall not be named, and it was like she was trying to reenact the bombing at peal harbor up in those echoed bathrooms. She could single handedly be the entire musical effect team to any high action war movie. And as a young girl I was frightened, and amused! I mean farts are the only thing that are both completely disgusting and entirely hilarious all at the same time. You could literally be both gaging and laughing your guts out simultaneously. With that being said, when your in a crowded public bathroom, dying because you have to pee so bad but there is no such thing as relaxing the muscles to pee and clenching the muscles to fart at the same time, IT CAN NOT BE DONE, things are no longer funny! And don't even pretend like you haven't been there. I know I'm not the only one... there is nothing like going into the bathroom at the exact same time as a stranger... you both sit down waiting for the other to start so that you don't have to be the one to go first. Its like a game of chicken, whose gonna give in. All the while you are both praying that someone else flushes a toilet to mask the hideously loud orchestra of sounds that is about to erupt from your not so glamorous side. When that doesn't happen you only have a few options left.
*grin and bear it. just hurry and be done with your business pray that your peearts are very loud or long and try and hurry as fast as you can to wash and exit before you have to awkwardly "not" look at each other through the mirror while washing your hands (because lets face it you are basically closer then best friends now)
*Wait it out. No matter how painful or stupid or childish it may be you are going to win and when you are done you are going to sit in the stall and well "stall" until she has washed her hands and exited the bathroom (because that is really the most respectful thing given that she so graciously went first and embarrassed herself)
*My favorite.... I like to call it Operation Cover Up! this is where you make a subtle yet effective noise just loud enough to mast the toot. a cough, a throat clearing, a tap of the shoe.... (wow I have some serious issues) whatever you chose you better time it just right otherwise your efforts will be for not...

with all that being said... if you ever find you are out and about and you have to go #2 forget it! there is no recovery from that sort of shame!

finacial woes

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todays topic.... money! No one really likes to talk about money! How much you make, how much you spend, its totally a social faux pas! But here's my secret.... sometimes I make financial mistakes and they cost big time! Ugh there's no blue print of my life out there, trust me I've looked, and if there was I don't know if I would follow it anyways! so when I do stupid stuff like buy a lemon of a car, or spend to much at the grocery store, or getting into those pyramid businesses and then never doing anything with them, or spending to much on eating out, or getting into a crippling mortgage, or start a business, or get into any kind of debt at all for any reason I just want to bash my head against a wall until the lights start to dance! Its not like I want these things to happen. No one wakes up in the morning and says I want to blow all my money so 5 years down the road I can look back and have nothing to show for all my hard work, but sometimes it happens. It happens to the best of us! No one likes to admit when they have made a mistake especially about something so personal, but rest assured you will make a mistake... big or small, and just remember this.... you are not alone! Just learn from your mistakes, ask for help when you need it, don't make the same mistake twice, and decide what is really important to you! Lorenzo and I took a money management class almost 2 years ago by Dave Ramsey called Financial Peace University   and I would have to say that it has changed our financial lives dramatically! Money is a tool, either you work for it or it works for you!