When ultrasounds go devastatingly wrong

You can get on pinterest and find a "How to" or "5 step program" or advice on just about any circumstance in life except when the circumstance is this devastating..... Lorenzo and I just stood there wondering "what are we even supposed to do right now?" It was like we were ants following our sent and then a leaf from heaven came and landed right in our way and just like that, POOF, we were lost... in the movie A Bugs Life there was someone to come and direct them, quite comically around the leaf. And here we were sobbing in each others arms outside of the Women's Clinic at IMC and there was no one to show us what had happened to our path, no one to direct our feet to the next step and make it feel like our lives had purpose again.

Monday morning I woke up and something told me my life would be changing forever that day. I even snapped a photo of Evelett and I and captioned it "the day that would change our lives."

 See we were going to our baby's big ultrasound! For some reason I was so nervous! I was sweating like crazy and my heart was racing... I figured it was because, even though id been through this 3 times before, this was my last baby! what was it gonna be??? Was Evelett going to be our only little princess or would she be getting a baby sister! So much excitement. As in the past, we let our older children come with us, we really like to make this a family event because this is so exciting for everyone. plus I feel like it helps for these young kids to SEE how we get the pic of baby... I just think it helps them understand that there really is a baby inside mommys belly and not just the extra ice cream Ive been sneaking lately!

So we get to the ultrasound and the tech start doing what the tech does and im trying to explain to the kids what she is doing but she starts moving faster and im making jokes that it doesn't look much like a baby to me so im glad she knows what shes doing to which she nervously snickers. And then everything changes. She stops and tells us " you know I hate to be the one to tell you this but there seems to be some abnormalities with baby and I'm not sure what all I'm seeing, this is like my worst nightmare to have to tell you this but we have to send you to the specialist at a bigger hospital to be sure" she then nervously stood up and said that she needed to go get ahold of my dr.... everything from there was a fast blur but basically she was nervous couldn't look at me and was rushing... my dr was in surgery so she sent me home saying that he would call me and they would set up an apt with the specialist asap. and that was it...she felt so bad at this point that she awkwardly gave me a hung and just whispered "i am so sorry sweetie"... they sent me and my very confused and disappointed brood out the door. And that when it hit me that our society has become so confused about the real reason for that 20 week ultrasound.... yeah its fun to find out the gender but the health of the baby is the real reason... with all these gender reveal parties no one remembers that.

I then got to sit around and stew over the phone for 5 hrs waiting for the dr to call. When he finally did he was really honest with me. He told me things look serious and that he wanted me to get in as soon as possible. He also told me what was going on, what they thought it was, and what the names were... our apt was set for 22 hrs later! it was the longest night of Lorenzo and my life! We were so scared. We did some research on what the dr said it might be and things look really discouraging.

After the longest wait time of my life we finally went back to our ultrasound with the specialized tech. and after he did his scan and then the high risk dr came in and talked to us this is what we Found out..

** Our baby has a condition called Hydrops and Cystic Hygroma. Hydrops is a build up of fluid in more then one area of the body. Our baby has a large amount of fluid built up in its abdomen, around its heart, and in its chest cavity. Cystic Hygroma is also a build up of fluid that is built up in the neck, our baby's neck sac is larger then the baby's head and appears to be almost as large as the baby's body.

Gah!! so what does that mean right. What causes that? what do we do now?

well basically that mean bad!

There was about 5 different things that could have caused it but most likely it is a gynetic syndrom much like down syndrome. However where down syndrome is a cromasomal abnormality in a smaller cromasome the problems that would effect this would be a larger cromazome and therefor cause more problems. they could run a bunch of test that would tell us what cause it however non of those test would help this baby it would only allow us to know if this would effect any future pregnancies.

So what now?

* there is no cure......... what? no cure......
* there is no treatment......
* there is no survival rate..... WHAT????
The extra fluid will put too much strain on the heart and it will eventually stop beating.
Survival outside of the womb is nonexistent
Basically your baby will die and you will not be bringing this baby home from the hospital...Ever!

so what do we do now...
option 1 wait till baby's heart gives out and my body will start labor on its own
option 2 wait till baby's heart gives out and if my body hasn't started labor they will start labor
option 3 terminate pregnancy
option 4 start preterm labor so that we can have the opportunity to hold the baby while it is still alive and snuggle it before it dies
option 5 this plays out like a normal pregnancy and I will go till term and then after the baby is born we will enjoy every precious moment we are granted.
..............................................................................................................................................................................................................

Dear lord in heaven... how is this your plan for us... how is this real life... how dear father am I supposed to keep on living every day as if nothing has changed... how am I supposed to wake up every single moment and go to bed every single night wondering if my baby is still alive and wondering how much longer it will be in there and wondering if I will ever hear its first cry or if it will be snuffed out before that blessed moment happens... how am I supposed to respond to the sweet old ladies in the grocery store that ask me how far along and what I'm having and how excited I must be... father, how am I supposed to tell my children that baby will not be coming home with us... father give me strength.

I was filled with such peace, such understanding as we talked about everything that was going on and everything that would be expected. I felt the hands of the lord with me, holding me, easing my pain and sorrow. However I must be honest I broke... I broke when we started talking about delivery the baby.... alive or dead this baby will be coming out of my body... I will be delivering this child one way or another. I will still go through the pains and trauma of bringing a life into the world weather or not that life will last a moment or an hour or a day. I will be giving birth to this baby and then I will be going home broken body and broken hearted. I will still have my sleepless night but to nurse my wounds and not nurse my baby. I will hear crying day and night but the sounds will be coming from me not from my newborn. that is when I broke.

" There are no true endings.... Only everlasting beginnings"- Dieter F Uchtdorf

This is Just   So      Sad   
its so sad and so hard. waiting for the train to come slam into you. you cant move, cant turn around and run away, just wait for the inevitable to plow over you. It is so sad!

But I have found joy still. I have reasons still to see the sunshine. The sound of my children laughing and the touch of my husbands strong embrace. There is still life, and love, and hope. We know that we will see this baby again one day and we know we will have the opportunity to raise this baby weather here on earth or in the hereafter. This baby was ours from the moment it was created.... this sweet little spirit is so special! I know it, I can feel it already. I will be the best mother I can be while it is still with me and every day after I will be even better so that I may have the chance to be reunited and raise this sweet baby of mine....
We never did find out the gender... poor baby is so swollen and there is hardly and fluid around it that there was no way to even see. but that's ok... anymore it doesn't really matter anyways.

Though the doc didn't give us any reason to hope there is always room for hope... there have been a few miracle babies that I have read about online... sometimes the problems look much bigger on screen then they really are... sometimes the swelling and fluid just goes down and sort of resolves itself... a lot of babies survive with one or the other condition its just hard to find any good news when they are both together... But we still have hope! We have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and know that he has a plan for us and for this little baby.! I always used to say I knew nothing like this would ever happen to me because I am not strong enough to handle it and the lord doesn't give you anything you cant handle. im leaning very quickly just how wrong I am in that.... the lord does give you more then you can handle..... much much more then you are ever capable of handling on your own. only when you lean on him will you be saved from complete destruction. only through his grace are you ever made capable of bearing the cross you have in this life...

im sure many of you will want to tell me how sorry you are... but don't..... don't be sorry..... I AM NOT sorry... I would do this a thousand times over again because I know how important this child is. this was our mission in life to be this childs parents and to give it a body... maybe not a working one but it will be perfected one day. You can say that its sad because it is... its really sad... ps ill know who actually read this whole long post because of who says "im so sorry" vs who says "i am so sad with you"  lol so be warned

your prays will be greatly appreciated and we are trying to stay as positive as possible around our children so please be careful what you say around them... they are so very receptive...

loving you all and looking to lean on you when my heart does break in the future to come.

Not all pregnancies are created equally

#idontcareiftheworldknowswhatmysecretsare

Left- 17weeks pregnancy #3 

Right- 17weeks pregnancy #4 

Well it is true... not all pregnancies are created equally, and the fact of this is very hard to swallow. See pregnancies #1-3 were basically the same... Deathly ill for at least 5 months resulting in me losing between 12-15 lbs! I started calling it my pregnancy diet and though it was miserable beyond belief I ended up with a skinny little body after I popped that baby out. well pregnancy # 4 comes along and is nothing like the others. I was extremely sick like the first three but not for as long. I didn't loose as much weight and now I am still sick but only feel better when Im eating.... result.... Im eating all the time and its starting to show! I mean look at my tiny legs in that first picture. All of me was so much smaller then! Now my 4th time around I think I know what its gonna be like.. old hat and all. NOPE! I am already at the weight I was when I delivered every one of my other children. I feel huge and uncomfortable, my feet and fingers are starting to swell, Im still nauseous all the time and throw up most mornings (I mean come on if its gonna be so different and im going to have to gain all this weight then I should at least be exempt from the nausea right!?!) this is probably going to be the longest most uncomfortable summer of my life.

You know what it really comes down to...... insecurities! I'm not perfect and I will admit (though im not proud of it) that I have seen women that I know who have gained a lot during pregnancy and thought "wow she got big" or "pregnancy was not kind to her" and then saw those women suffer afterward and I felt bad for them not being able to loose the baby weight. I knew it must be a hard situation for them. I at just 2 weeks after giving birth was back in my old clothes and sometimes they were too big. Now in the same situation I realize 1) we, as women, judge other women much too harshly when we should be their supporters 2) we judge ourselves worst of all.

On http://motherhood.mormon.org/ it states
It’s the highest, holiest service assumed by humankind. It’s the definition of selfless service. It’s both a daunting responsibility and a glorious opportunity. The divine role of motherhood is a gift from God, and key to His plan of happiness for all His children.

Such a beautiful statement.

In The Family: A Proclamation to the world we read that "the first commandment that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife. We declare that God’s commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force".

We are women! We have been called, chosen, and foreordained to be the co-creators of human life. After conception we, with the Lord God, create bodies for his spirit children to come to earth, be tested and return to him someday. We are the vessel the lord uses to bring to pass the entire plan of salvation. Without our bodies, our sacrifice his plan could never have come to be. That is the very choice that Eve made in Eden. She knew that this was the way, this was the only way, and through us it is made possible.

Now with that in mind, do I still care how fat I am getting? of course I am human however I am a Warrior! We mothers are ALL Warriors. We put our bodies through hell and sometimes irreversible changes are made. But in the end, we get the most miraculous of gifts and can say we did our job as co-creators in the plan we all chose when we chose to come to earth. 

the truth about HG

#idontcareiftheworldknowswhatmysecretsare  I have HG

Hyperemesis gravidarum (HG) is a complication of pregnancy characterized by intractable nausea, vomiting, and dehydration and is estimated to affect 0.5–2.0% of pregnant women.^[1][2] Malnutrition and other serious complications, such as fluid or electrolyte imbalances, may result.

Well now isn't that vague! Its true however, it is a complication of pregnancy that very few women suffer and so little of the world really understands. My goal is to tell you the truth about HG.... what its really like to suffer/survive this "complication" and just what someone like me goes through on a daily basis while pregnant. I have joined a few HG support groups and through reaching out to many other sufferers I feel I have come up with a general idea across the bored not just my singular experience...

the truth about HG is that you throw up.... a lot. I think most of you have got that from the definition that there is a lot of vomit going on but let me paint you a more clear picture. On a bad day my number of trips to the bathroom (or truth be told just a bowl because I cant make it to the bathroom) is an average of 4-6 times in an hour. A good day could be more like 4-6 times in the whole day which is a really really good day. Now I know what your thinking... if you throw up that many times you will eventually run out of things to vomit up... you couldn't be more wrong! Lets take into account that you can vomit your own saliva, and eventually your own stomach acid (which, as a characteristic of HG, has increased to an extremely high volume) and then after that you are just dry heaving. And dry heaving hurts! A LOT! Now what about the "complications" of vomiting this many times a day can cause. 1) you burst blood vessels in your eyes. Yup you are so violently throwing up that that can often happen and it can be painful and annoying. 2) you are literally destroying your throat and esophagus. You might not think about that damage when you get sick every 4 years with the stomach flu but when you have been throwing up for 4 months straight you really start to notice the strain it puts on your throat. many people with eating disorders can attest that one of the serious side effects is permanently damaging the skin lining your throat. 3) your teeth also take a beating on this one.. I have read many accounts of women who have suffered long-term dental damage because of the continuous erosion due to stomach acid on their teeth, some resulting in damage as severe as rotting or decaying teeth. 4) We know what "starving to death" really feels like... well sort of. Most do not die from this however many have. I get so irritated now when people have missed breakfast or forgotten to eat lunch and say they are starving.... I and many women like me have gone for days and days and days without eating a single thing, or at least we eat but not a single thing stays down. I can tell you that within one day you know what real pain comes from starving. PAIN is something you become very accustom to when suffering from HG which brings me to the next thing I want to talk to you about

the truth about HG is it hurts, Pain associate with HG is all consuming. First there is the stabbing pain in your stomach. It hurts so bad you want to curl up in a ball and die. It feels like there is a knife stabbing you through your stomach and turning... it feels like someone just poured acid in your open wound because lets face it there is acid in your open wound. Your stomach acid is slowly eating away at the lining of your stomach much like an ulcer however its your whole stomach and there is nothing to take to ease the pain because nothing will stay down. Then there is the pain of body aches. your body literally hurts all over. your muscles are depleting from lack of nutrition, your head hurts from the lack of oxygen and increase in pressure that happens when you throw up, your throat hurts from acid burns, your abs and sides hurt from the constant flexing that happens when you heave.... do you get the picture?

The truth about HG is that you are weak. And when I say weak I mean every muscle in your entire body is so weak and tired that it literally can not do what you are telling it to do. When you go so long without the nutrients your body needs it eventually gives out on you.... You cant support your own body weight to do things like stand up, or get dressed, or bath yourself, or brush your own hair. My husband and my mother have picked me up off the floor and practically carried me back to bed probably over 1000 times. There are times I cant even open a bottle by myself because I cant grip it.

The truth about HG is that there is no cure! This is what makes me the most upset! Science has made such miraculous things happen such as cloning, organ transplants, keeping people alive for years on life support.... there is prostetic limbs that function in some cases just as good as the real thing and they are now able to do serious procedures and surgeries by microscopic incisions and cameras! And yet there are hundreds of thousands of women that suffer from something so simple and yet there is no cure! And trust me the medication they are giving us are some heavy hitters! Most of the anti-nausea medication is that that was developed for cancer patients under going chemo. and for most like me that really only takes the edge off. Ps there is nothing more infuriating then to vomit up a pill! its literally just flushing your money down the toilet because in some cases those puppies can cost up to $10 EACH!!!! and we have tried everything in the book! acupuncture, hypnosis, alternative medicine, essential oils, any old wives tale you can think of..... please its insulting to keep suggesting crackers and Gatorade!

Now yes these are the worst of times and I am not always this sick however I want to tell you what you don't know about my good days. I want to tell you what you don't know about the times that you see me. If you see me driving my son to school I have a baggie in the seat next to me and that 9 out of 10 times I make it to school make it home and them promptly vomit my guts out and have to lay down for the next 20 min. When you see me at church, I want you to know that I have been preparing for this since I woke up. I have most likely thrown up in the bathroom every time Ive gone in. and that when I leave early its because I honestly cant be in a vertical position any longer! Sometimes you come have a conversation with me and I seem like I don't feel good but other then that I seem fine.... yeah I'm fine. I threw up a few min ago and so I'm coming down off that high and I feel pretty darn good. however I have an internal clock that for every 5 min I'm standing here talking to you I WILL pay for it later.

The truth about HG is you cry.... A LOT! which sucks because crying causes you to vomit even more. it depletes your energy and it causes you to swallow more saliva and flem which you will throw up in 3 , 2, 1...... you cry because it just isn't fair! your friends, your family, everyone you know... they get preggers and are like oh wow I never threw up once whats your problem. you cry because your kids ask you questions like mommy why don't you ever play anymore or mommy why does it take you so long to make me lunch? you cry because you hurt so bad and are in so much pain that you beg your husband to kill you. you tell him over and over and over "i wanna die, I wanna die, I cant do this please I hurt so bad I want to die" you cry because you are rethinking this notion of having another child and you who is 1000% pro life are considering having an abortion because you are now seeing blood in your vomit from your stomach and throat. you cry and cry and cry! and yet you wake up another day and do it all over again

the truth about HG is that it last a lot longer then morning sickness. I have found that in many if not most cases this pain and agony last for THE ENTIRE PREGNANCY! some of us like me are lucky... we only get it for about 17-25 weeks.... guess what.... im 8 weeks pregnant... that means I may be lucky and only have 10 more weeks of this! 10 WEEKS! ugh please shoot me!

the truth about HG is that yes after the first one we knew exactly what we were getting ourselves into! we do not complain for your condolences, we accept the help you are willing to give if you are willing to give it but we know we chose this and must pay the consequences, we are NOT lazy, or exaggerating, or dramatic, or "just making it up" because if we were we would spend a lot more of our time out of our bedrooms and among other people so we could get more sympathy! We are fighting every single sec of every day for our health and for the baby that we are growing inside of us.

that's my truth about HG.......

I'm hairy and I know it

#idontcareiftheworldknowswhatmysecretsare

Yup those are my hairy legs in a skirt on Sunday. 

Seriously though... I'm a busy lady, I have three kids, crazy stay at home life, lots going on all the time. With that being said .... I still wouldn't be diligent about shaving my legs all the time. "Ain't nobody gots time for that"   And honestly if you are close enough to my legs to tell your either a creep or my husband. And husbands opinion doesn't matter anyways. I know I'm not alone in this one so bring on the hairy legs and goodbye to the shame! 

peearts

#idontcareiftheworldknowswhatmysecretsare

yup people we are getting super duper real with this one... peearts (AKA the pee-farts)... I peeart! and its SSSSOOO embarrassing! I remember when I was little going to the bathroom with a certain old lady who shall not be named, and it was like she was trying to reenact the bombing at peal harbor up in those echoed bathrooms. She could single handedly be the entire musical effect team to any high action war movie. And as a young girl I was frightened, and amused! I mean farts are the only thing that are both completely disgusting and entirely hilarious all at the same time. You could literally be both gaging and laughing your guts out simultaneously. With that being said, when your in a crowded public bathroom, dying because you have to pee so bad but there is no such thing as relaxing the muscles to pee and clenching the muscles to fart at the same time, IT CAN NOT BE DONE, things are no longer funny! And don't even pretend like you haven't been there. I know I'm not the only one... there is nothing like going into the bathroom at the exact same time as a stranger... you both sit down waiting for the other to start so that you don't have to be the one to go first. Its like a game of chicken, whose gonna give in. All the while you are both praying that someone else flushes a toilet to mask the hideously loud orchestra of sounds that is about to erupt from your not so glamorous side. When that doesn't happen you only have a few options left.
*grin and bear it. just hurry and be done with your business pray that your peearts are very loud or long and try and hurry as fast as you can to wash and exit before you have to awkwardly "not" look at each other through the mirror while washing your hands (because lets face it you are basically closer then best friends now)
*Wait it out. No matter how painful or stupid or childish it may be you are going to win and when you are done you are going to sit in the stall and well "stall" until she has washed her hands and exited the bathroom (because that is really the most respectful thing given that she so graciously went first and embarrassed herself)
*My favorite.... I like to call it Operation Cover Up! this is where you make a subtle yet effective noise just loud enough to mast the toot. a cough, a throat clearing, a tap of the shoe.... (wow I have some serious issues) whatever you chose you better time it just right otherwise your efforts will be for not...

with all that being said... if you ever find you are out and about and you have to go #2 forget it! there is no recovery from that sort of shame!

finacial woes

#idontcareiftheworldknowswhatmysecretsare

todays topic.... money! No one really likes to talk about money! How much you make, how much you spend, its totally a social faux pas! But here's my secret.... sometimes I make financial mistakes and they cost big time! Ugh there's no blue print of my life out there, trust me I've looked, and if there was I don't know if I would follow it anyways! so when I do stupid stuff like buy a lemon of a car, or spend to much at the grocery store, or getting into those pyramid businesses and then never doing anything with them, or spending to much on eating out, or getting into a crippling mortgage, or start a business, or get into any kind of debt at all for any reason I just want to bash my head against a wall until the lights start to dance! Its not like I want these things to happen. No one wakes up in the morning and says I want to blow all my money so 5 years down the road I can look back and have nothing to show for all my hard work, but sometimes it happens. It happens to the best of us! No one likes to admit when they have made a mistake especially about something so personal, but rest assured you will make a mistake... big or small, and just remember this.... you are not alone! Just learn from your mistakes, ask for help when you need it, don't make the same mistake twice, and decide what is really important to you! Lorenzo and I took a money management class almost 2 years ago by Dave Ramsey called Financial Peace University   and I would have to say that it has changed our financial lives dramatically! Money is a tool, either you work for it or it works for you!

Christ-like Santa

Tis the season and Christmas is creeping up faster then ever! I wanted to start this Christmas season off right though. My children are now at the age that the spirit and magic and wonder of the Christmas spirit is all around. Unfortunatly, now that the oldest has started school so is the worldly views as to what Christmas is really all about! So onto Pinterest I go in search of how to teach my children the true meaning of Christmas without taking away the magic and wonder of Santa.... I found these two wonderful links that I based my Christ-like Santa FHE lesson around.

https://fhelessons.wordpress.com/2013/10/16/why-we-give-gifts-for-christmas/

http://www.latter-dayhomeschooling.com/2010/12/symbols-of-christmas.html

I especially used the second one! I think if my kids were older I would have felt more comfortable with there ability to answer the questions she used with the manger scene in the first one..

anyways just as in the blog post I have added I had a picture of Jesus at the door covered by a drawn picture of our front door and I told the children

Soon we could be having a special guest at our door! I am going to give you some clues to see if you can guess who you think it is.

* He has a Beard
* He is often depicted wearing red and white
* He gives the best gifts
* He loves little children
* He makes you feel all warm inside
* He can get into your house even if the doors are locked
* He knows if you have been bad or good
* He only wants you to repay him by being kind to others
* He encourages you to prepare for his coming by being good

I was surprised my 3 year old actually guessed Jesus but my 5 year old scolded him and said "No silly its Santa DUH"

So I let them "open" the door by removing the paper too see who was there.............

 

The reaction was perfect. My 5 year old was so excited about the similarities between the two.. This is where the teaching opportunity arose. I explained that Santa is a symbol of Jesus and that Santa lives his life to try and be like Jesus... then I let the kids open and read the letter we had gotten form the North Pole earlier that day....

Santa's Letter

The letter totally seals the deal... Putting all the focus back on Jesus...

anyways hoped you enjoyed LMK if you have any problems opening the letter or questions..

Not my toys!

You've all been there... And if you haven't please come give me a parenting training! That moment when enough is enough and even though they aren't finished with their chores you say they are just so you can be rid of them and finish yourself! I mean seriously when it take 2 hrs to get them to do 2 chores that take you 5 min it gets to be about as much as you can take! Unfortunately AND fortunately that means that you are left to do it on your own. Well Saturday was just such a time and the last chore on the list was the dreaded you closet! Why oh why the toy closet. And as I sat amid the literal trash that they swore to be their treasure I was only enraged that they had so many toys!!! They have more toys then I have hair ties or bobby pins or shirts or shoes or jars of pears or phone numbers in my contact book! These kids have so many bloody toys they don't even know what to do with them! They have so many toys that 4 weeks ago I took a bag of toys and put them in time out for not cleaning them up and everyone forgot about them! Silly thing is with all the toys these kids have they don't have nearly as muh as most of their friends... And I actually have found myself feeling bad about that! We only buy them toys for their birthday and Christmas! Other then that they want a toy they earn money and buy it. However as I was sitting there with about 5 Legos and at least one cars maytor digging in to my sore rump I scoffed myself for ever feeling guilty about their "lack of toys"! Did I forget who my boys were? They spend close to 6 hrs a day outside. They only watch about an he of tv a day and the rest of the time they are eating sleeping or just bugging the crap out of me! They have wild imaginations and enjoy making things to play with. That's when I decided to start throwing their "treasures" away! After citing their amount of toys considerably, the DI got a sizable donation, the closet got a lot more roomy, my stress level diminished and they children have not a clue in the world! Hallelujah! 

Tough skin isn't desirable

Let's be honest. No one wants to touch tough skin unless it's a designer alligator skin bag! No one ever said. I just love touching your rough knees and caressing your tuff  elbows. Oooo sexy! So is true about our personalities. Rarely are we drown to people because of their tough exterior. The way in which they push us away or give us the cold shoulder. Yet in today's society we hear all too often that we need tougher skin. What for I ask! Yes there are sometimes I wish I wasn't so sensitive and that the words that others say didn't effect me, but that's what makes me who I am. What is so desirable about not ever feeling, not ever caring, not ever letting someone in...The problem is when we shut the door to our hearts, yes we shut out the bad, but we shut out the good also. Not having tough skin I may be more sensitive to the unkind words people say but I'm also more sensitive to the one who is silent and yet screaming out for help from the anguish of this world. I may be more prone to get my heart broken but I'm also more likely to let my love touch the lives of those around me... There is obviously a lot to be said about a woman who can take on this brazen world and get to the other side unscathed, however in my opinion there is also a great beauty in the scars the wrinkles and the down right open wounds of the little old lady who FELT EVERYTHING in her life. The good and the bad. The sad and the Happy. The triumph and the sorrow. The loss of loved ones but the gratitude for the memories shared. The pain of a wayward child and the joy of a righteous one. The burn left by a selfish friend and the wrinkle lines from the friend that always had you laughing. There is something poetic and beautiful in the sensitive life. Do not toughen your skin to shut out all that we are meant to experience here in this life.

One is the Loneliest Number

What do I have so say today…. Well for starters I AM SO DAMB BORED! Why after you hit a certain age is it no longer ok for you to have friends over to hang out? Just you two chillin… why do your kids have to get along. Or have kids the same age. Why is it weird that now at 25 with 3 kids I call someone up and am like “yo im bored come over” do I get hung up on! Well ok ok I know why it’s that whole living on someone else’s time schedule thing…. You know like nap time and hungry time and heaven forbid we leave the house because we are potty training or their favorite show is on in like 5 min so by the time we find everyone’s shoes get all these freaking buckles done up for their car seats drive over unbuckle fall out and get in the show would be almost over… plus it’s a kids show you know what that means… no freaking commercials. Well I guess that depends on what station your watching but don’t even get me started on that right now because I could go on for days! Anyways they wake up I have to hold their hand through every single daily task starting with breakfast all the way through making their beds and saying their prayers and by the end I have said “keep picking up the blocks” 77 times before they rush out the door to play… and then what am I supposed to do? Read another book…. I currently have two that are so slow I’m dragging my feet just trying to trudge through to the end… like really when is something exciting going to happen! Clean again… please I do that all day every day! Watch some daytime tv garbage? No thank you desperate house wife! How about sew or paint or knit or scrapbook? Well 1. When was the last time you took 3 kids into a craft store and came out unscathed? Last time I almost had to buy the whole freaking bead isle when one of mine thought it would be a great idea to climb on up to try and reach the bead hanging on the very top because it was “just so awesome mommy needed it” 2. Aint nobody got money for that shit! All my money goes to buying new shoes for these growing brats or even more then that food! Good gravy they eat this much now what’s gonna happen when they hit puberty! Heaven help me!! Let’s see what else could I do … oh I know get on facebook …. Again…. But sadly I have already seen you take a selfie in that bathroom before and yes you look exactly the same as when you had your hair pulled to the other side.. and no I don’t want to play candy crush so stop freaking asking me! I could get online and do some genealogy but apparently no one in my family exist! How about some service indexing? Well if my computer would actually allow me to open the webpage maybe I could spend some time doing that….. ah! Typing this is even a challenge because my beautiful angels have pulled of three keyboard buttons . one for each of them I guess…so my f g and b are all gone… why couldn’t it have been a shift or something!! I can’t leave the house the baby is asleep and everywhere cost money except the park where I get to watch my children have fun. They have their own friends… they live next-door…. And down the street….. and in the same house!!!! I however am bored out of my mind with limited options except to piss and moan! The end!

Flatulent days....

Well yesterday was a day. Maybe not the craziest I've ever had. But definitely a day! I did quite a lot and was way tired. Plus it was Monday! No one likes a Monday. I went grocery shopping cleaned cleaned the house did some laundry and since my dryer is broken I had to hang my clothes on anything I could makeshift outside! I should have taken pictures it was amusing! Anyways on top of all that I spent ALL DAY with my 3 yr old ! Tahlae at least takes a nap but not Korlen! 13 hrs straight with ANY individual is enough to drive one crazy let alone a small child filled with way too much energy! By the end of the day I had had it! After dinner I was ready for them to go to bed early and when they were supposed to be going to get their pjs on I found Tahlae unraveling the toilet paper for the third time and told him he was gonna get a spanking which means nothing for him because he doesn't understand and has never gotten a real one anyways! Little poop! Anyways I pretend swayed his bum which Korlen thought was pretty funny do he proceeded to follow me around spanking me instead of changing his clothes. I wasn't all that mad or irritated but I decided the best retaliation at this point was something smelly! Poor korlen has grown to just the height of my bum so it didn't take much to hold his head close and let one fly! How's that for a confession! I'm sure one day he'll appreciate the humor in the gesture. At thus age he didn't even realize what was going on or why I was laughing so hard. Probably better that way no need for him to repeat the action on another poor child. Everyone would look to me and ask where he learned something like that lol!

To infinity and beyond

I don't really like to think of myself as a pessimist or as someone ubber concerned with hidden meanings or a freak mom that won't let my kids watch normal stuff because I think it's going to rot their mind. But I am a desperate house wife. Well no, less then that really, just a stay at home mom at least desperate housewives busy themselves with useless things like lunch dates and shopping and checking how high their neighbors grass really is! And of course they all have live in help like nannies and house cleaners where as I am at home all day cleaning and laundry and meals and of course trying desperately to entertain the children without too much tv. But after a long night of one waking up right after the other I want nothing more then to get them some cherioes put on a movie and finally fall asleep myself(who am I kidding what mother really falls all the way to sleep) and let the rest of my "duties" to wait till later.

Now I don't know if it is nearly because I am half alive when watching these shows ( which makes it all the more entertaining mind you) or I'd I really have a problem with the things depicted but it leaves you to think.
1) WOW we grew up on some seriously violent material
2) do the creatures of today even have children of their own!
~all in all. Someone obviously isn't thinking of what kind of cause and effect theory they are instilling into the next generation!

1) we recently got an entertainment console that is hooked to our tv and filled with old Disney movies and cartoons that Lorenzo and I grew up on. Like Tom and jerry, looney toons, Smerfs, lady and the tramp, 101 Dalmatians, Cinderella. You know the good stuff! It's funny how now as an adult parts in the movies can be so funny for such different reasons! For instance when I was little I paid no mind to the fact that the cat in Cinderella is named lucifer! As an adult realizing what that really means I'm dying with laughter. On the other hand. As a child watching bugs bunny I paid no mind to the fact that when he got shoot by a riffle he just got a whole in his stomach that the other characters popes their head through! As an adult I'm thinking. WHAT! I have nightmares that korlen is gonna find a stick of dynamite and blow himself up because he's under the impression that his skin will just turn black and his hair will singe! I mean holly smokes you don't see stuff like that anymore. The old time cartoons didn't have crazy overprotective moms calling in complaints making then reign in what they could and couldn't do. But me as a litera little kid and with a brother like mine I honestly don't know how I lived to see this day.

2) if any of you have ever said " you can play buzz light year but you are not allowed to try and jump ALL the way down the stairs in one leap" you know exactly what I'm talking about. The whole toy story movie alone creeps me out. If I was a kid again I would get rid of every one of my toys before they had a chance to linch me in my sleep! And now I'm positive that korlen thinks that real cars are smart enough to stop when he runs out in front of him. Every red car is called lightning after all. And to get out of trouble you may be in with the law just attach balloons to your house and fly away to happy vile or think happy thoughts a and fly away to never land ( yeah cuz those are plausible ideas!

More things I've learned from the world of child entertainment. If ppl die just clap your hands. If you get flattened by a boulder you can still walk around flatter then a pancake or someone can just blow you up with a tire pump. Magical hats can bring snowmen to life. And in ALL cases when you meet someone that speaks another language once you start talking you understand each other and all animals and trees talk to each other.

No wonder life was so easy when you were little. The possibilities where endless and there was always a happy ending!

i want him too! both of them!

oh why oh why doesnt he act like this all the time?

so i dropped korlen off at the sitters this morning on my way to work and he was SO sad.. i dont get it... he wanted to go home and he was crying saying he wanted mommy! it makes me feel so sad. its hard to leave a crying boy when i cant help it. why doesnt he act like he wants me all the time ... i mean its easier on the other days when he just gives me a kiss saying wove you mommy and running to go play with the toys but what about when hes yelling at me like im a terrorist with a bomb straped to my chest about to end his whole world whenever i tell him he cant have anymore animal cookies or when i say he cant go to the park cuz its raining... or when we're driving and he realizes we're almost home and shouts out any name he can think of... "i wanna go to taits house i wanna go to nanas house i wanna go to grandma grandpas... i dont wanna go home" ahh! why cant he want to be with mommy all the time... it makes me feel so horrible to have the last thing i hear closing the door behind me is through is sobs... i want mommy!~

get it out!!

BOOOHOOO HOOO HOO!! well i still have 3 weeks left and its not like im over due or anything but this child is nesting right under my ribs and using my lungs as a pillow!! how can i breath you ask... well i dont! i cant! laying down just makes it worse because gravity is no longer pullin him down so he just tucks right in for the night! i am in so much pain and discomfort! i cant stand it! my hips hurt so bad... like they're widening for the baby but at the doctor today... not dilated at all!! blah! i cant stand it! i really really want this baby out! hes nothing like korlen was. korlen never went near any of my body parts like my bones or lungs but mayter loves to kick my ribs and hip bones korlen didnt move that much but mayter does!! man i cant stand it! oh well three weeks right!!

oh why do we teach them anything??

so dont get me wrong i am glad that he can get himself a drink and tell me what he wants but i dont like trying to cattier to his every desire or cleaning up the mess when he spills water for the third time that day.... and what is this obsession with water anyways. seriously all water he will pull his kitchen chair to the sink and cry for me to turn the water on he always plays with the dogs water dish(including putting dog food in the water to get a disgusting soggy texture), he learned a long time ago how to flush the toilet and will do this over and over and over (luckily hasnt flushed anything yet{knock on wood}) he has also discovered that if he climbs up on the toilet and uses the toilet paper dispenser as a stepping stool he can easily get on the counter and play in the sink!! just the other day he told me to "wait a sec" and when i said what he said "just a sec"....... are you kidding me!! my least fav is that he has learned to open doors .... and will do so at his little hearts content.. though he is so funny about shutting them too.. when he gets up in the morning (or in the middle of the night) he opens his door shuts it behind him comes in our room and slams in behind him again.... ugh!! he loves to help in the kitchen and his fav thing is to crack the eggs and then squeeze in his hand! why? why? he now wont let anyone touch the hand mixer while hes mixing. grrr... yesterday he was biting clothes just for oh idk fun i guess and decided to bite my pants but he got my skin too and yelled out in pain and he just looked at me and then turned and ran away jumping in his toy box which was sitting just across the room from me and just sat there staring at me fake crying! such a little actor... i have no idea where he gets it from! he runs aways and talks back and get into everything.. so i think developmentally he is spot on... i really really wish it was morally ethically and legally acceptable to use toddler straight jackets... but those wouldnt be complete without the dirty sock duck taped in his mouth!! is that so wrong? am i the only one that has this desire? i just need a nap every once in a while... cant i just drug him?? does that make me a bad mom! i think not!!

totlock country block

LETS CONSIDER THIS FOR A MIN!!



One property crime happens every 3 seconds
One vehicle theft every 20 seconds
One larceny every 4 seconds
One burglary every 10 seconds
One robbery every 60 seconds, or 1 minute



and 500000 people enter and live in our country illegally every year.



and who can forget that the CIA let a couple into a party for the president of the united states(OH BAMMA..... BOO) that weren't even on the list.



and yet when i tried to open my recently bought kit kat bar this afternoon that thing was sealed up tighter then fort knocks!! really it had been a long day and i felt compelled to reward myself with a little prize for making it through without hiding in a locked dark room in the fetal position rocking back and forth and cooing like a coo coo bird to myself..... you know one of those.... i'm just going to pretend to myself that you all agree that you have had just such days of your own. anyways continuing on it took three tries and a good 45 sec to open the plastic wrapper and in that time i yelled a few profanities.... i know i have a really hard time not saying freakin ackurshnay (only a choice few ppl will see the humor in that) when im really about to explode. anyways after the wonderful chocolate had been consumed and i had chilled out i had a wonderful though... you know like those new windows commercials where they suddenly turn into supper hot models.. anyways i had a moment like that and it hit me. i have a hard time getting into everything that is seemingly easy like Medicaid bottles and kit kat wrappers and so on and so on.... especially tot locks ... im thinking the solution is tot lock the the nations borders.... think about it huh!! i know you be understanding my crack a lackin language!

A Cliffard Goodbye

so its been a long time i know and here it all is... christmas was awesome my first born turned one and i didnt cry (though i think my uterus shed a little tear.... dumb slut wants another baby i think). he is such a big boy now hes sleeping through the night and napping on his own and hes weened from the teet if life (aka) mommas chocolate milk!! hes really starting to talk and some sign language... he fallows intructions and comands quite well... hes never been one for a spanking he doesnt understand that it hurts... stinkin kid hes just now realizing that its not the funnest thing but i have to pull down his pants to do so... he got in trouble the other day for something or other and i spanked him and set him on the stairs to sit in timeout. the next time i yelled at him he pouted and went and put himself in timeout... lol what a cute little kid right!! i just love him.. though i could stangle him... to date he has broken 11 frames and 2 glass jars 2 glasses/mugs. i know what your thinking i should keep that stuff outta reach.... to that i say ..... This is A JuDge FREE ZoNe (read the fine print sucker)!! so ya ...... questin if you cant pick who your related to but can pick who your related to through marraige why did i drop the ball as far as my inlaws go... simple to say we dont exactly see eye to eye.. im just so sick of all the drama... holly cow right! i just dont understand why every little thing has to be such a HUGE deal... i could go on and on about this subject but heaven forbid any of them read this.. anyways ... moving on.. have i mentioned that i dont particulalry enjoy this town??? i mean there really isnt much wrong with it but i really dont want to raise my children here and i've told the hubby a million times that i will not be burried here. no way i want this to be my bodys final resting place..... i like my body too much to subject it to these prairie dogs to dig up over under around and plz plz not through! they are everywhere!! so i was thinking the other day and its really sad that as a single person you hear married people talking and laughing about random various things and you dont understand why its that funny.. and then you get married and you realize why its so funny BeaCuse Its TrUe~~!! yes thats right they aren't just making things up for conversation sake... like socks ... i know you cant believe it but husbands really do leave there socks EVERYWHERE and i do mean everywhere.... i kid you not im sitting here atop my comffy couch and i see three and a half pairs of socks all from my hubby.... proof that married peaople joke about sock all over the place beacuse its funny and its funny because its true... my husband and i are currently hashing out the pros and cons of finishing our attick..... reason # 1 for me... we want more children and currently our spare room is occupied by our boflex and a desk.... guess where my husband ..... (lets refure to him as Cliffered until frther notice because he is my friendly dog) anyways Cliff thinks that we could solve this problem by moving the boflex into our master bedroom... now all you ladies can i get a "oh no he didnt" just so i can follow up with a "oh yes he did" ..... yes thats right our bedroom wouldnt that be so cute to decorate with right there at the foot of the bed with some lovely throw pillows over tied around with some ribbon... nothing a little hot glue gun couldnt handl right!! oh and perfect for hanging clothes on to right!!! NOT ahhh men .... i love me som cliff but i would love to throw him off a cliff sometimes.. or at least dangle him off one for a few hours till all the blood that has rushed to his head has made him pass out... that would be entertaining for a min or two is all im saying..while we're on the topic of Cliff i might as well get this off my chest as well.... i know for a fact that he is a man ... (yes i do hold his balls in my purse and on occasion get them out to bribe him with something promising i'll give them back if he does it... poor sucker takes that bate everytime) anyways i know he is a man he is equiped with an outie not and innie but man sometimes i wonder where these female traits come from... ok really just one.... why does it take him so long to do anything and everything esspecially saying goodbye... now granted it is nice when he takes a long time in the bed room but not in the shower or doing his hair... man that boy could take almost twice as long as me doing either... and seriously he will stand there and be saying goodbye to someone for 40 min... not kidding ... everytime we go somewhere i have to tell him at least 3 times that its probably time to go... doesnt that sound like something a man should be complaining about.. i mean seriously.... the best part is that though like a woman he takes so long to say goodbye to everyone and their dog plus aunt agnus twice and the pet chicken and the beautiful orcad that has been growing in the front yard for 13 years and might not make it through another winter.... he does it in his own special man way!! he'lll stand there and in 5 min hes maybe said 10 words including 7 yas or hmms!! oh my stars that boy..... gotta love me some cliff though.... well i think thats enough for today i'm sure ill have more soon to chat or complain about!! gotta do it somewhere right!! much love my faithful readers!!

one or the other

so i finally got korlen to take longer naps.... oh how wonderful... he sleeps for like an hour and a half to two hours twice a day and its so nice.... but then he woke up up to 6 times a night.... like every hour!! what in the world... its been going on for a few weeks now and i just thought i was going to loose my mind... im so stinkin tired. then two days ago out of no where he was back to half hour naps and i though oh my goodness...... when will i ever get some sleep!! but then that night he only got up once. the next day it was back to two one hour naps and last night he was but 5 times again!! ahhhhh!! what would i like better ..................................................... happy medium plz!! b4 i loose my mind!

why so sad!

i dont think i could feel any worse if i tried. i am so so so depressed right now... my husband and i have been dieting for over two months now and in that time i have lost 10 lbs.. which i feel very pleased with.. it took a long time.. and patience which i dont have... well i went home for the weekend and theres nothing like being away from your own reality to make you wanna splurge a little... well i was there friday night late after dinner time to sunday morning before lunch time... so i really only ate there sat. well apparently that was enough... we got home today and decided to weigh ourselves.... i knew i was feelin a little ... bloated.... ya maybe thats not quite the right word given that the scale showed 8 extra lbs .... yup 8 lbs... it took me well over 5 weeks to loose 10 lbs and one day to gain 8 lbs back!! my loving husband lost 20 lbs in that amount of time and gained 2 which is really just the amount his body fluctuates everyday anyways... i cant believe this all my hard work just down the drain... and on top of that i got sick somewhere along the way so the whole time i was in idaho i was snuffly sneezy head cold and brought it home with me and its just getting worse.. theres nothing like driving 6 hrs with a cranky baby that just wants to be held and you just feel like crap... theres nothing like feeling like crap and knowing your a tad bit tubby ... again... and theres nothing like being a tad bit tubby again knowing its all your fault. so now im uncomfortable my body is feeling that all too formiliar snug of my clothes my nose is bright red and raw my head aches and my feelings do too! im really sad.... i just wish i could go to sleep and all my problems would melt away... lucky for me i get to babysit a 2 yr old little boy tomorrow starting at 730 so no sleeping in for me... the good news keeps on keepin on somedays doesnt it!